Lockdown News for all the latest news stories and developments in Barnes Equestrian!
LOCKDOWN NEWS BREAKING: Chuckle Brothers reboot finds new stars!
BREAKING: Meet Clyde and Ziggy Chuckle. They are Ireland’s new Chuckle Brothers.
Later this year they will star in a new adaptation of the Chuckle Brothers, bringing that subtle Chuckle comedy we all know and love to a whole new generation.
Ain’t that cute?!
Love blossoms on the yard under lockdown as two occupants are seen getting close in the field.
An eye witness reported “ignorant ****ers. With all this social distancing and Coronavirus stuff going around and they just stand there eating the face off each other in public! ****ing perverts!”
Lockdown News has since confirmed the pair live across the road from each other and shouldn’t be socialising at all under Ireland’s lockdown rules.
Community Aerobics Class
A new Aerobics class for all ages has opened in the site of Barnes Equestrian today. First day attendance was low but the two attendees put on an impressive display of agility, balance and suppleness.
The class is going ahead daily for the foreseeable future and with spring in the air, who knows what will happen in an arena?
Worlds Happiest Horse is Happy…ish
Barnes Equestrian record holder, Lady, famous for being the most cuddly happy horse ever to have lived is confirmed to be showing more of the same on lockdown. Whodathunkit?
Lockdown blues aren’t getting this lady down, not at all!
When questioned how she remains so happy in these uncertain times, she replied “**** off and go bother someone else ya Scottish twat!”
Lady clearly has a dark and dry sense of humour.
Very smooth, Smooth Criminal
The resident of Barnes Equestrian known as Clyde, aka Smooth Criminal, lived up to his name this morning while being tied up with a hay net.
Upon arriving back from the muck heap, this is what was found.
“I thought his recent diet had done wonders at first” the anonymous yard owner says.
Upon closer inspection, the yard owner was stunned to see that the diet wasn’t working as well as he first thought. “Uh looked doon the middle ae the yard an there he wiz, eating er’yone elses wasted hay!”
Clyde was then captured and later released on bail.
LOCKDOWN NEWS SCANDAL: I POOPED TODAY!
The yards first Lady, wanted it known that she did indeed poop today! Lockdown News has obtained photographic proof of Lady doing the deed in public.
Passers by quoted Lady as saying,
“Sure, it has to be done! Tis just natures way, y’know? Now go get a shovel before I dance in it. Get to work ye b*****d!!”
Has the worlds happiest horse no shame? Is this the beginning of her fall from grace? Only time will tell…
In Other News: Worlds Moustache Conference
The Worlds Moustache Conference met today as the start of a daily event for the next 2 weeks.
Clyde, 5 and Ziggy, 8 planned the conference to celebrate all things moustache.
Lockdown News got an exclusive interview with them both.
LN: What inspires you to keep your moustaches looking so well in these trying times?
Ziggy: “A moustache is a symbol of elegance. I firmly believe that having an exquisite moustache as i and my dear friend Clyde do, shows the world that one can have that classic Poirot look while maintaining everything that makes a man a man in the year two-thousand and twenty!”
LN: Clyde, tell us a little about what inspires you.
Clyde: “Hay. I love hay. Oh my god it’s sooooooooo nice!! I lo-“
LN: I meant about your moustache, what inspires you to put the work into maintaining it?
Clyde: “A moustache is a way of life like, innit? It’s like hay, without hay I’d be sad. Hay is my life. A life without hay is a life not worth living, and if I can’t have hay, well I don’t wanna be part of this hay conference!”
LN: Ziggy, what brought you both together?
Ziggy: “We both went to the same moustache barber for years and we bonded over some exhilarating moustache treatments and balms. Those were our younger days, weren’t they chap? Back when you were athletic and fit, not eeehhhhh…”
Clyde: (laughs) “Oh yes! I remember that alright. Joe, the moustache barber, once invited me around to his place for tea. He made a lovely meal. Equerry and some Natural mix for the main and a dessert of some deliciously tasty hay!”
LN: Do you have any concerns during this current Coronavirus pandemic?
Ziggy: “Yes of course. It’s a serious thing and I simply wish people would treat it as such. More needs to be done to push just how serious this is for all human-kind.”
Clyde: “I eh, agree. And like, what if the farmer stopped selling hay. I heard that it could happen and then what?? WHAT HAPPENS THEN?! WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THERES NO MORE FARMERS FOR MORE HAY???”
Clyde: “Mmmmm, grass 🤤“
The interview was halted there after Clyde wandered off and raided the conferences hay shed. He was dragged off by yard police after causing a disturbance and fighting with security. Tune in next time to find out what happens to Clyde next and for all the latest on Lockdown News only at Barnes Equestrian.